As you may or may not have heard, an idiot named [REDACTED], AKA “Infuriated New York Knicks fan,” is currently selling his fandom on eBay in the hopes of finding a new team.
Note: Before we get any further, other than the article I’m about to link, I refuse to actually give [REDACTED] the satisfaction of using his name and linking his Twitter or eBay. Find it yourself, if you’re so inclined. Or don’t! He doesn’t deserve the publicity.
Don’t check your calendar! It’s not 2008, I swear. It’s 2018. The Knicks still have Kevin Knox, Kristaps Porzingis, Mitchell Robinson, Frank Ntilikina and a host of other young players on the roster, with rumors swirling that they could add a top talent in next year’s free agency.
So why, of all times to punt on the Knicks, would [REDACTED] choose now? Yahoo! Sports’ Dan Devine, a Knicks fan himself, was brave enough to transcribe a few minutes of [REDACTED]’s garbage takes for us all to laugh at:
I went into this draft saying Trae Young or bust, with a few other guys I would have been OK with. Or maybe, for once, we make a power move and trade up for [Marvin] Bagley. (Of course, we should have been picking sixth at worst and not No. 9, but again, that whole “being bad at tanking” thing.) My buddies asked me what would make me happy, if we drafted certain guys, and [Kevin] Knox was not only on my Do Not Draft List, but [passing on him was] certainly a no-brainer when Michael Porter Jr. was there for the taking. That was officially the straw — among almost infinite straws — that broke the camel’s back.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was passing on Mr. Two Back Surgeries in Less Than a Year, Michael Porter Jr., to instead draft this IRREDEEMABLE 19-YEAR-OLD BUM:
And don’t think for a second that this decision did not come without some serious, contrived introspection:
To be liberated is to be free … I have battled [owner James] Dolan and the Knicks for too many decades of pain. The Knicks are like quicksand: the more hope you have, the harder you try, the worse it gets. To be liberated would be to be freed of the pain, and that’s what we’re here to do. This isn’t about one draft pick, one year, one coach, one GM. This is about 20 years of fan hardship.
Very Shakespearean. I shed but a single tear while reading.
I’m passionate, charismatic, and you are not bringing just me aboard, but now a whole new following to the greatest team in the world. Whichever team it is.
Yes, [REDACTED] and his flock of personally-trained circus cockroaches will be an ARMY of fans for whatever team’s fandom is unfortunate enough to pick him up. Who wouldn’t want that?
So, let’s help out the current winning bidder (the final winning bid, at the time of publishing, was $3,500. At the time of writing it was $2,550. This is America!) and find [REDACTED] a new team. First, let’s just take a quick look-see at his preferences (or lack thereof):
Whoever wins this auction will be able to choose the team you’ll support from here on out. Which teams would you most hate being forced to root for?
This one is pretty easy for me. A small handful: the Chicago Bulls and Indiana Pacers, my least favorite ’90s Knicks nemeses, with a side of the Miami Heat. As a true New Yorker, I despise Boston, so add the Celtics to the top of the list, as well.
Having gone to school in the mid-Atlantic, I’ve developed a nice hatred for the Washington Wizards, too. And while we’re at it, let’s cross a few terrible teams and cities off: the Sacramento Kings, Detroit Pistons, and Memphis Grizzlies.
On the flip side, I’d like very much to align with the best basketball team since the 1992 Dream Team, the Golden State Warriors, especially since my hatred for the Rockets stemming from both the 1994 Finals and Mike D’Antoni’s coaching both make me dislike Houston.
With that knowledge in hand, here’s a couple of suggestions for [REDACTED]’s new favorite team:
Maine Red Claws
I’m tempted to ship him off to the Celtics or Pacers. They were, after all, two of the teams that he specifically said he didn’t want to go to, and longtime nemeses of the Knicks. But both of those teams are, like, really good. The Pacers have Victor Oladipo and just loaded up their bench this offseason to become a potentially potent contender in a LeBron-less East. The Celtics just almost took down LeBron in the East Finals minus their two (presumed) best players.
[REDACTED], in his infinite basketball wisdom, did not stipulate that his new team needs to be an NBA team. So let’s make him a fan of the Celtics’ G-League team!
Much like some recent Knicks teams, the Red Claws sucked last year, stumbling to a 17-33 record, fourth-worst in the NBAGL. They ended the season on a 10-game losing streak (see, unlike the Knicks, these guys know how to tank properly). They had the second-worst field goal percentage in the G-League last season at 43.9 percent, so you know they’re probably not one of those oddly fun bad teams. Perfect!
Fuck it, let’s send him to one of the teams on his hate list. Even though the Bulls have a number of good young pieces (Lauri Markkanen, Wendell Carter Jr. and... OK, I guess that’s about it), they just went ahead and dropped $1 billion on Zach LaVine and Jabari Parker to shoot a combined 40 percent from the floor and GET BUCKETS.
On top of that, I’m sure [REDACTED] would’ve gotten pissed in 2017 when the Bulls took Markkanen over Dennis Smith Jr., and would’ve gotten extra pissed when they took Carter over Porter this year, so he’ll feel right at home in the Windy City. Maybe he’ll manage 10 years with the Bulls before jumping ship!
([REDACTED] is also without a doubt a Derrick Rose stan in my mind, so he’ll fit right in.)
Another team that [REDACTED] said he didn’t want to go to, even though they drafted his favorite prospect Marvin Bagley III over Luka Doncic this year.
[REDACTED] will be happy to know that the Kings have won .13 percent more of their games over the last 15 years than the Knicks, so he won’t have to be nearly as embarrassed to be a fan! They also have a brand new arena, and flights are pretty cheap!
I just sincerely hope he doesn’t value his sleep schedule, since he’ll be staying up until 1 a.m. or later most nights to watch all of their games! Also, their owner thinks Buddy Hield is as good as Steph Curry, who [REDACTED] was super broken up about losing:
Jordan Hill is bad, but following the heartbreak when Steph [Curry] goes one pick before?! It’s like salt on an open wound, constantly, made worse with each 30-footer Steph pulls to send Oracle Arena into a frenzy.
Now he can cheer for Steph Curry 2.0!
[REDACTED], if you’re reading this: Bye!!! Please never come back, thanks. Enjoy your $3,500, ya grifter. Hope the 15 minutes of fame was sweet.
Sorry, make that 10,080 minutes: