Finding a buyer for the New York Knicks

Welcome to the post-All-Star swoon, where, particularly for teams like the Knicks with nothing to play for, the time between now and the first game post-All-Star (7:30 p.m. on Friday against the Timberwolves) will be a hellscape of stupid rumors designed to create drama about what has mostly been a drama-free team this year.

Take, for example, noted Celtics and Bahston guy Bill Simmons, who somehow has intel that the famously media-recluse James Dolan is seriously considering selling the Knicks:

So, I, being the jackass with access to a 10,000 follower social media account social media guru that I am, posed a simple question to the P&T faithful:

The responses were so fun that I felt inclined to write about it! Let’s lead with one of my favorites:

Desus and Mero

Easily the most entertaining choice for Knicks owners. They’re up-and-comers in the celebrity world, but still not afraid to ruffle feathers. Tampering charges would be through the roof as they call out free-agents-to-be on their new TV show and tell them to join the Knicks, but whatever! The brand is BROLIC out here.

You also won’t find two celebs that are bigger Knicks fans than these guys:

For what it’s worth, at least one half of the pair is totally on board:

Plus, they’re having another New York hero on the first episode of their new show:

Hey, speaking of AOC, maybe she could use some of her fundraising prowess to help our next candidate out.

The people of New York

This is a pretty brilliant idea. And it’s not even totally unprecedented! The Green Bay Packers of the NFL are fan-owned (though the NFL long ago banned that from being the case with any other team).

The only problem is, to reach the likely $5 billion-plus pricetag that the Knicks would command, every single New Yorker would have to be on board and giving a pretty serious contribution. According to Google and the US Census, New York City had 8.623 million residents in 2017. The Knicks were recently valued at a league-best $4 billion by Forbes, but it took Clippers owner Steve Ballmer a winning bid of $2 billion to secure the Clippers in 2014 after the franchise was valued at $575 million by Forbes that very year. So, suffice to say, $4 billion ain’t gonna pry the Knicks from Dolan’s cold, clammy hands.

So let’s operate on the low end and say it would take $5 billion. If every single one of New York’s 8.623 million residents chipped in an equal share, it would mean every single New Yorker would need to contribute $695.81. And that’s on the low end!

Man, James Dolan is really fucking rich. I’m gonna go hurl. Be right back.

Rich Kleiman/Thirty Five Ventures

This... already feels like it’s in motion. Not gonna lie. Kevin Durant and Rich Kleiman’s Thirty Five Ventures are already getting set up in a new office in Manhattan. Speculation is running wild that Durant will be signing with the Knicks.

And there’s this:

Sky’s the limit for Thirty Five Ventures!

Carlos Slim

Carlos Slim is apparently worth $65 billion. SIXTY-FIVE BILLION DOLLARS. That’s a lot of cheddar. Sorry, he’s from Mexico. Let me rephrase: ¡Eso es mucho queso!

I’m no expert on Sr. Slim, but it seems like he participates in some borderline evil business practices and has near-monopolies on many of the services in Mexico. Still, it’s pretty tough to out-evil Dolan. So, whatever! At least Slim has a cool name.

Klutch Sports

Nah, they already own the Lakers, and you can’t own more than one team in the same league.

Jay-Z, Beyonce, Oprah, Diddy, Obama, 50 Cent, Spike Lee, etc.

This would actually be really dope. Having an all-black front office and then having an all-black ownership group would be a pretty amazing step forward not just in basketball, but in sports. Could this transcendent group of African-American powers actually buy the team?

Oprah is apparently worth $3.4 billion. Jay-Z and Queen Bey are worth $1.4 billion. Diddy is worth $855 million. The former POTUS is “only” worth $40 million, but Barack would certainly make a charismatic face of this new ownership group. Lastly, 50 Cent and Spike Lee are apparently “only” worth $30 million and $40 million, respectively, but it’d just be fun to have all of these prominent New Yorkers be a part of the movement.

Combine all of those net worths, and we’re at $5.765 billion! Someone get this in motion.

Jeff Bezos/Amazon

I don’t need to look up Bezos’ net worth to know that he could afford this. However, I’m not rooting for this AT ALL. Dude will definitely have an axe to grind with New York, and would probably move the Knicks to the moon as revenge.

The Steinbrenners, Donald Trump, etc.

Seth Rosenthal

DONE DEAL.