Greetings, dearly beloved inhabitants of Planet Knick. We are gathered here today to join our collective energy and joy into a targeted hope laser. Then we’re going to aim this laser straight at Chicago, where it will shoot Adam Silver right in the ping pong balls.
That’s right, we’re going to dick punch the NBA with good vibes, in hopes that the powers of the universe will reward us. This year there will be no animal sacrifices — save your goats for free agency!
The distance from Madison Square Garden to The Chicago Hilton is 795 miles, but it can be accomplished in just three steps:
- Get on NY-495 W from W 31st St and W 33rd St
- Follow I-80 W to US-41 N/S Lake Shore Dr in Chicago
- Take the U.S. 41 N/Lake Shore Drive N exit from I-55 N/Stevenson Expy. Continue on US-41 N/S Lake Shore Dr. Drive to S Michigan Ave
Our hope and joy laser should therefore be quite easy to aim.
Start with a musical component. You cannot be expected to dabble in the white magicks without some tunes! Begin here with a song of beauty and lamentation over our past, Zion-less woes.
So let the words of our mouth and the meditations of our hearts be acceptable in thy sight, oh basketball gods. We are trying.
While you’re listening to The Melodians, gather your supplies. You’ll need an envelope, a pen, and four (4) small pieces of paper.
Write the number one (1) on one piece of paper. Draw a heart and a smiley face on two more. Feel free to be creative in your drawings. Write the number five (5) on the last piece.
Time to get your energy up and begin positive visualizations. (It worked for MJ, and we’re trying to cop some Chicago burn here. Maybe the veil is thinner by Lake Michigan?)
Yes, it’s Bob Marley time. Dance if you want!
Go to your basketball-watching room, whatever that may be. Living room with TV? Bedroom? Common room? Bathroom/phone? Wherever you watch the most hoops. Go there.
Go to one of the four corners of the room (or as close to the corner as you can get, if it’s a mess like mine). In the corner face the wall and close your eyes and summon this image in your head...
...and say, with feeling, “Iron, Lion, Zion.”
Repeat in each corner of the room.
Take that number five (5) and tear it up. Throw it away. Bye bye, number five! Number five is NOT alive.
Fold your number one (1), heart, and smiley papers and put them in the envelope. Meditate for a spell on this image:
And then this one:
And finally on this one:
Think about the bitter years in between, and the mistakes that were made. Forgive yourself for sometimes not caring, and for being often angry; and then forgive the Knicks, since they are also human. This is the beginning of a new day, when we try to heal and learn from the past. Welcome back, Patrick.
Take your envelope and (of course) stick it in the freezer. One last time as you close the door, say “Iron Lion Zion.”
In your little brain TV, see Patrick smiling hugely, the smile of a winner.
Send this image of love and happiness all the way across 33rd Street and west on 1-80 past the Delaware Water Gap and Wilkes-Barre, through Cleveland and Toledo and Elkhart and up Lakeshore Drive and shoot it right to the Hilton
Zap that ping pong hopper with your head-picture. Mold it with your desire. Surface those Knicks balls. See them.
Allow your heart to fill with joy at the possible and in the the bold and terrifying idea that good things can happen.
Let’s do this. Go the Knicks.