The Knicks' new jersey leaked. It sucks.

The Nike brand city jerseys just keep flopping out on the twitter timeline. It’s possible they’re not real- like many of us are hoping- but the lack of pushback has got to count for something. Perpetually outdoing themselves from one jersey to the next, Nike’s ability to be both overwrought and under baked is stultifying. Maybe they’re seeing uniforms more as an asset in a magazine ad for basketball liturgy. Still jamming too much in and it’s all thrown completely to shit with the full page ad just opposite.

In any case, the Knicks got the lol, treatment and it’s... well have a look.

Nice bed spread. Thankfully the back is clean enough.

Pretty quickly this uglified tank top was given a live action look, that maybe softens the blow. Maybe. The non-matching headband on RJ Barrett is a decision that probably won’t fly but I have to commend the photoshoppage. Personally I’m more of an absurdist when it comes to the shop, but I can still appreciate a dash of craft.

All told I don’t like much of anything about these jerseys though. My idiot radar is blipping like crazy and since I only have one finger to point, I think Steve Stoute has something to do with this. Dude needs to be financially distanced from the franchise.

I don’t know what bothers me more. The cheap gradient treatment or the “City Never Sleeps” tagline. Yea great it’s the city that never sleeps (“New York City”, in case you somehow forgot) and we got you some sleepwear to really drive that issue home in a livery cab.

So I know what you’re asking: if it’s true, how do we fix it? Leave it me, team. I have a perfect solution and it can be done in as little as three steps.

Step 1: Get rid of that goofball gradient piping.

Step 2: Get rid of this goofball gradient circe & slogan situation.

Step 3: Put a number on it for the goofball refs.

There ya have it, all done! Like much in this world, you do a great disservice to your efforts when you overcomplicate things. The “NYC” with the swoosh is fine, classic even, and it brings plenty of meaning to the jersey without overwhelming. It may also appeal to more people who aren’t as keyed into the role player having-ass-Knicks. It also sells the institution of the city, it’s far beyond a brand, always has been.

Step 4 (optional): Put an actual goofball NYC icon in the corner.

Ok, look, I wanted to put my full stamp on it, so I tossed my own NYC logo on there for ya and surprise, sur-fucking-prise, it’s a perfect article of clothing now. All in a moment of my day’s work.

Alright, the final step is the one they never tell you about. And that is to go sell a jillion of those damn things. So there ya have it, Nike and the NBA, thank me some other time. I’m sure you’ll steal my idea and give credit to the thief anyway, ass wipes.