clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

If the Houston Rockets are the ‘Knicks of the South,’ what other mediocre things should carry the ‘Knicks’ moniker?

New, comments

Because why not sully others for no reason?

Houston Rockets v New York Knicks
This photo is the Michael Jordan of Knicks-Rockets basketball pictures.
Photo by Nathaniel S. Butler/NBAE via Getty Images

A staff writer for Sports Illustrated is reporting that someone who understands the inner workings of James Harden’s head said the culture in Houston is so toxic that the Rockets are the ‘Knicks of the South’ when it comes to dysfunction.

First of all, low blow! But secondly, the Knicks will continue to be easy fodder until they prove they are difficult fodder and are therefore not worth foddering. So we shouldn’t go nuts over what SI’s Rohan Nadkarni reported.

What we should do, however, is name some other things that could be described as the ‘Knicks’ of their category. We’ll start with five, and most aren’t basketball related, but please add more in the comments. It’s as good a way as any to pass the next few days before the Knicks tip off the preseason on Friday, Dec. 11 against the Detroit Pistons at 7 pm.

Elfrid Payton is the Knicks of Recent Knicks Point Guards

The Knicks have been doing this thing, for a very long time, where they swing and miss over and over and over again on potential point guards of the future. Since Stephon Marbury, the franchise has cycled through point men with such pace that you’d think there must be an award for ‘most point guards per decade.’

Let’s stick with just the last decade, so dating back to 2010, when Raymond Felton ran the show admirably before getting traded and replaced with Chauncey Billups. He was only on the Knicks for 21 games, and for the following season the Knicks roster featured Baron Davis and Mike Bibby, plus Jeremy Lin, the latter of which eventually won the starting role. You might remember that stretch, it had a catchy, punny name.

The Knicks let Lin leave and brought back Felton, but by 2014-15 we were looking at Jose Calderon and Shane Larkin as point guards. Derrick Rose and Brandon Jennings got chances in 2016-17, but then that summer the Knicks chose a point guard with the 8th overall pick in the draft.

Frank Ntilikina was young, however, so the Knicks spent the next few years having Jarrett Jack, Emmanuel Mudiay, Trey Burke and Dennis Smith Jr. over him, before signing Payton last summer. Now resigned for one more season, Payton plans to put up decent counting stats while playing a style of basketball that elicits involuntary vomit. He’s the Knicks of recent Knicks point guards.

Mosquitoes are the Knicks of Insects

Did you know the mosquito is technically a species of fly? They belong to the order Diptera, which is a Greek word that has something to do with little beings that have wings. Unlike the common house fly — which can be annoying but doesn’t sneak up on you alongside untold hordes of its friends, all itching to drink every last drop of your blood — mosquitos really, truly suck. They suck in every sense of the word ‘suck,’ including, and most importantly, the version meaning they are the worst.

Arby’s is the Knicks of Fast Food

Some of you might enjoy eating Arby’s, and you know what? To each their own. But the food on their commercials doesn’t even appear appetizing. And there’s a hierarchy when it comes to fast food chains; Arby’s is towards the bottom of the list. The following is a stream of consciousness list that features better fast food joints and was written without stopping to think.

McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, Chick-fil-a, Checker’s, In-N-Out Burger, Five Guys, Pizza Hut, Domino’s, Subway, KFC, Sonic, Popeye’s, uhh, there’s gotta be more. You get the point, though.

Shawn Bradley is the Knicks of the Monstars

This isn’t to hate on Bradley, a 7’6” center who in his best season averaged 15 points, 9 rebounds and 3 blocks per game while playing for the Dallas Mavericks. It’s just that, the Shawn Bradley Monstar is clearly the worst Monstar — both in terms of the actual talent of the player whose power was being stolen, as well as the fact that the gangly blue giant was definitely the most dimwitted of the evil aliens.

His height was probably helpful for the game against Michael Jordan and the Looney Tunes, but in the end the Monstars lost, and were probably left wondering why they hadn’t chosen Shawn Kemp or Dikembe Mutombo instead of Bradley.

Rats are the Knicks of Rodents

Rats don’t get a bad rap, rats get the right rap. They are big gross balls of meat that procreate like bunnies but lack any cute attributes. There are tons of rodents that wouldn’t necessarily make you shriek with fright, depending on the circumstance, from hamsters and gerbils to beavers and gophers.

Rats like to walk around like they own the place, even though they don’t contribute to rent and never do a single chore. On the island of Manhattan alone, there are an estimated 2 million rats. Rats have been known to do stuff like chew through their own tails or bite off their own feet. What the f**k, rats?