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A short list of atrocities by the Knicks

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The horror!

Portland Trail Blazers v Denver Nuggets Photo by Garrett Ellwood/NBAE via Getty Images

In case you somehow haven’t heard, the Knicks are not in the NBA bubble, and several guys that the Knicks could have drafted and/or have played for the Knicks in the past — and that absolutely no other teams have any connection to, to be clear — are playing good (or, “good”) basketball, while the Knicks have been at home — and not in the bubble, those losers — making hires to their coaching staff.

I know it’s sometimes easy to forget, because they get barely any coverage in the small market of New York, but the Knicks have really screwed up a lot. Don’t believe me? Here’s a list of just a few of the Knicks’ many transgressions:

Passed on Michael Porter Jr. in the 2018 draft

Michael Porter Jr. is averaging 23.8 points on 56.8% shooting, 9.2 rebounds, and 1.5 assists in the six Nuggets games since the NBA returned to play in Orlando, an incredibly large and infallible sample size. How did the Knicks — and only the Knicks, to be clear — pass on this guy in the 2018 draft?

Porter Jr. was totally healthy before the draft, with only a few minor nicks and bruises such as:

And yet still, the stupid Knicks passed on him, even though Porter Jr. and his agent made every effort to steer him to the Chicago Bulls (who also passed on him, by the way, through no fault of their own), basically giving Chicago the sole authorization to look at his incredibly healthy and not at all busted back prior to the draft.

But again, you really have to ask yourself, what were the Knicks thinking by not taking this incredibly talented and smart player, who is using his recently-acquired time in the spotlight to spread extremely important knowledge about the coronavirus?

“Personally I think the coronavirus is being used obviously for a bigger agenda,” the 22-year-old NBA player said. “It’s being used for population control in just terms of being able to control the masses of people. I mean because of the virus the whole world is being controlled.”

He continued: “You’re required to wear masks. And who knows what will happen when this vaccine comes out. You might have to have the vaccine in order to travel. Like that would be crazy.”

So crazy!

On top of those extremely-factual-and-not-at-all-pulled-from-8chan takes on the virus decimating our country — and strangely not the countries where people don’t complain about wearing masks* — Porter revealed that his parents are also very smart, and never got him vaccinated:

“I’ve never been vaccinated in my life. I’ve never had any shots or anything like that. So it could get crazy. But it’s definitely behind everything that’s going on right now and all you could do is sit back and watch what’s going on.

“Don’t get too emotionally involved. But yeah, I mean it is a serious thing. It is a real thing. But yes, it is being overblown.”

This kid may have only gone to college for a year, but it sounds like the Knicks not only passed on someone who could’ve contributed for them two years after drafting him, but also a future “Dr.” Stella Immanuel in the making. Same old Knicks!

*Side note: The Knicks only reside in the US — and no other country in the world — and the coronavirus is only running wild in the United States, after some of the first cases were reported in New York... Coincidence? I think not!

Traded Kristaps Porzingis in 2019

Oh, you thought Porter Jr. was the only player that the Knicks messed up with in the bubble? Wait til you hear about Kristaps Porzingis. Remember him? In case you’ve forgotten, every Knicks fan in the world is still upset about him being traded to this day, and can’t watch a single one of his games with Dallas without turning into a puddle of tears and regret.

The Knicks drafted Porzingis in 2015, which drew boos from the same fans populating the Barclays Center that year that would chant Porter Jr.’s name in 2018 (make up your minds, people!). The rest of his Knicks tenure is, of course, history. Porzingis was undisputedly the best November player of all time, not just for the Knicks, but the entire NBA.

Of course, the Knicks traded Porzingis last year in the most one-sided deal in the history of the league. Did they get future picks of as-yet-undetermined value? Did they clear their cap sheet, which — because of the mostly one-year deals signed last offseason — is still pretty clear? Who knows, and who cares? Because, you see, Porzingis is averaging 30.5 points per game in the bubble, along with 9.5 rebounds and 1.5 blocks per game.

But is he just putting up stats, or is he actually affecting winning? Clearly the latter! The Mavericks have won three out of their seven games in the bubble, with no help from that bum Luka Doncic. When was the last time the Knicks posted a .429 winning percentage?

Never you mind Porzingis’ older brother living vicariously through him and using his younger brother’s career as a chance for a power trip, nor the (ongoing? Who knows! Haven’t heard anything about it in a year) rape allegation against Porzingis from early 2019 that was known by the Knicks, and the Mavericks signed off on prior to trading for him. Nor the widely-reported assumption (not even rumors, it was advertised as a near-certainty) that Kevin Durant was going to sign with the Knicks last summer and wanted the Knicks to clear enough cap space for him to have a co-star of his choosing. (Which, by the way, you’re all idiots for believing — you really believe everything the media tells you with 95% certainty? Same old gullible Knicks fans, looking for a new savior every day!)

No, this breakup was completely avoidable, and the Knicks could not have handled it worse, as per usual.

Hiring Kenny Payne strictly to chase free agents

You might have heard that newly-hired Knicks assistant Kenny Payne was one of the development wizards behind the wildly successful University of Kentucky basketball NBA pipeline, but don’t believe everything you hear, folks. Unless, of course, the source is Howard Beck:

Never you mind what Kentucky coach John Calipari, Payne’s now-former longtime boss, said in a statement:

“This is a bittersweet day for us at Kentucky,” Calipari said in a statement. “Kenny has been an extremely important part of our success here. His relationship with our players is second to none.”

Calipari added, “As a basketball coach and a teacher, he could run any program in the country. Simply, he’s as good as they get.”

Honestly, are we really going to trust what Calipari says?

There is some required reading on Payne, though, in the form of this 2016 ESPN piece about Payne’s role in shaping Anthony Davis and Karl-Anthony Towns into the players they are today. Just make sure to gloss over any of the developmental crap that doesn’t matter, and use “Uncle Kenny’s” relationship with Towns and Davis to justify your narrative that the Knicks — and Knicks fans — are stupid and only care about making moves to chase stars.

Also, ignore this “Scooter Toots” fellow, whoever he may be:

Don’t lose sight of the forest for the trees, here: despite the Knicks making a black coach one of the highest paid assistant coaches in the NBA and advancing his career in a meaningful way (and, at present, having an entirely black assistant coaching staff under Thibodeau through two hires), let’s instead revisit their bungling of their vapid PR statement about the murder of George Floyd again. Let’s also make sure to only see this hire for what it is: another opportunity to link a star player to the Knicks, only to blame the team and fanbase when that player doesn’t want to come to New York in a couple years.

In conclusion, the Knicks suck, and you suck for liking them. Thanks for reading!