Whats up, Toasters. Let’s talk draft. The Knicks ended up with the eighth pick in the lottery last night. That sucked but it was the most likely outcome based on the lol, percentages. Their history in the eighth slot is storied, if I may say so myself to you, and you and you. Most recently it begat everyone’s favorite polarizing guard, Frank Ntilikina. Prior to that they snagged a duo of Arizona Wildcats, Jordan Hill and Channing Frye. A festival of vegetables remember the great Tom Riker debacle of ‘72. The center from Rockville Centre, akin to no other, wadded up most of his career for the Allentown Jets. Then there’s some capitán called Willis Reed back in ‘64. That’s of course- as we all recall- the year the stupid Knicks didn’t, I repeat didn’t, take Doug Moon with the 94th pick in the draft. Yea, your favorite poverty franchise whiffed on that one. Just like how they always do.
So whatever, I’ll cut the shit. The reason I’m here is to give you a real sense, in fact- the only reality that exists- of the eventualities that have been laid at our feet. Here’s a likely little lottery lick and some rationale behind the picks. Alright, hop to, let’s go.
1. Minnesota Timberwolves - LaMelo Ball
As D’Angelo Russell’s steel wooly brand of selfie-cool ice skated across the screen when the lotto winner was revealed, you could just tell he was thinking, “I thought only I would be allowed run pick and roll with Karl-Anthony.” Nope! You have to share KAT’s toys now. Minnesota adds a real live wire to their all gas no brakes attack. It’s a shame the Knicks whiffed on this pick, LaMelo could have set the Garden on fire. New York’s fortunes just keep getting worse
2. Golden State Warriors - Onyeka Okongwu
The Warriors jumping in here seems unfair, but the Knicks have this coming to them. They whiffed on Steph Curry in 2009, how stupid of them. Who was that, Donnie Walsh? That guy has no eye for talent. The Knicks suck and it’s because their owner doesn’t want to win, he just wants to sell tickets. Well ya can’t sell tickets without Onyeka Okongwu, who will be able to step in and finish plays on both ends for the Warriors. Under the tutelage of Draymond Green (I can’t believe the Knicks missed out on Draymond Green). Okongwu could turn into a rookie of the year candidate in this, a perfect situation. What’s wrong with the Knicks, do they hate perfect situations? It sure seems like it.
3. Charlotte Hornets - Anthony Edwards
Sorry stupid team called the “Knicks”, you really fucking blew it when you didn’t get the third pick in the draft. When will you stop being beaten to a pulp by Michael Jordan? The Hornets will definitely end up with Anthony Edwards and he’ll cause trouble for Terry Rozier who will struggle to find time behind Devonte Graham and this behemoth. I simply cannot believe the Knicks couldn’t figure out a way to sign Scary Terry. It’s beyond my grasp. That’s a whiff, folks. No closure on Rozier, the Knicks totally blew this pick.
4. Chicago Bulls - Deni Avdija
It amazes me how the Knicks are so capable when it comes to losing. They really put the “dumb” in “wisdom”. They really zag when you need zigdom. Why didn’t they get the fourth pick? Are they stupid? Anyway, they miss out on Deni Avdija who goes to the Bulls straight from Israel and playing with OAKAAK, Amar’e Stoudemire. This is another L for the Knicks. Avidja will slide in behind Otto Porter and Lauri Markkanen then take over for them when they have been run out of town by a cheapskate management in this small market town. New York should overpay for these guys while they still can. I’m starting to think Leon Rose sucks at this job.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers - James Wiseman
This is a major slip for one of the top prospects coming into the year. The Cavs, still feeling lucky after their trade to acquire Walt Frazier, once again best the flimsy Knicks. It’s hilarious and they fleece them again with this pick. Wiseman is a bonafide Kevin Durant facsimile in DeAndre Jordan’s body. That body kinda keeps him from being able to do some of the things that Durant is known for, and his lack of motor keeps him from doing some of the things that DeAndre Jordan is known for but this is a win. For Cleveland to take a steamer on drop it on the Knicks face like this, is a chef smooching the sky. Welcome to hell Knicks fans, population: all of you and none of us. Unless you’re one of us, or by some off chance none of you.
6. Atlanta Hawks - Tyrese Haliburton
The Hawks love them some sweet shooting wings that can do a little defending and Haliburton fits that beak. Low usage guy who can take care of some of the ball handling duties when Trae Young let’s his usage spike below 58%. It makes sense that the Knicks were unable to get this guy. The last hyper skinny player they had was run out of town. How dumb.
7. Detroit Pistons - Killian Hayes
He’s French or whatever. Everyone knows that French point guards are overrated busts. One pick away and the Knicks just missed on their last chance to get a good player. Sucks to be you, suckers.
8. New York Knicks - Obi Toppin
Heeyyyyy! Celebrate good picks, come on! Just kidding. Another classic misunderstanding of how the world works. The Knicks select someone who can play pretty much right away as well as being an excellent guy to slap up on their marquee. Obi Toppin is a local kid, which was probably good enough reason for these perpetual failures to pick him. Toppin is so old, he already owns a Plymouth Prowler. He’s bound to ruin his relationship with the PF Chang’s in White Plains within two weeks. It looks like he has been trying to find the valet and even though everyone knows that the Oakley’s Car Wash hasn’t been there in years, he asked a local to take his whip to get wiped only to have it get swiped while munching up some fried rice. We got ourselves a total Page 6 turner. The Knicks top draft pick got his car stolen again. What next? Team bus runs over the fallboard on a rogue piano breaking every finger on every player? Right when they were starting to make sweet music. Typical Knicks.
9. Washington Wizards - Devin Vassell
The Wizards smartly add a sweet shooting wing who can help keep some of their wayward defenders on this team a little more interconnected. The Knicks missed out on the best player in the draft by one pick. How the hell do they do it?
10. Phoenix Suns - Isaac Okoro
After going undefeated in the bubble, Phoenix gets to make a lottery selection. Why didn’t the Knicks do that? Knicks fans are such fools, they should have seen this coming. Okoro adds another blast of defensive versatility to their stable of wings as they continue to try to rise in the ranks of the Western Conference. As it happens, Okoro also turns out to be the best player in the draft. A can’t miss meg star. The Knicks, and only the Knicks, missed out on this one. Starting to lose faith in Leon Rose yet? It’s all a CAA coup, my friend.
11. San Antonio Spurs - Patrick Williams
The next Kawhi Leonard but only because the Spurs drafted him. Look at the 10 teams in front of the almighty Spurs in this draft, they all took someone that isn’t Pat Will, and they all made a noble gamble except for one team. It’s the Knicks who missed out on this defensive behemoth with boundless potential on offense. In fact the Knicks screwing this pick up is actually the best thing that ever happened to Patrick Williams because the Spurs will get the best out of him, but the Knicks, who just keep on Knicksing, hired development coaches that have great track records, but that’s just not how things work, folks. So like, also, if it turns out he’s just kind of the second coming of Rudy Gay, we can also blame the Knicks and laud the Spurs.
12. Sacramento Kings - Cole Anthony
The 36-year old Buddy Buckets won’t be around forever, so the Kangz did some thangs and bubble bobbled themselves here into the 12th slot where they take high volume attacker, Cole Anthony, son of Greg, driver of horses, master of giddyup. Knicks west made a classic blunder with this one. Thats what happens when you change management faster than you change the Knicks’ soiled underwear. Everybody blew this one.
13. New Orleans Pelicans - Aaron Nesmith
Desperately in need of floor spacing to complement the ball passers and food eaters, New Orleans takes the Vandy dandy. He’ll make more threes than any Knick will this upcoming season, so a major whiff for the Knicks who just don’t value shooting. They just want left handed, head down drivers. The Pelicans were rewarded four future picks for agreeing to make a better selection than the Knicks did at 8.
14. Boston Celtics - Aleksej Pokusevski & Leandro Bolmaro
Sorry, Joe. The Celtics, your most savant savant’s favorite savant, will make the heist of the century when they pull two draft and stash guys with one pick. So they develop them without even having them around. Why didn’t the Knicks think of this?