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Game Preview: Knicks vs. Lakers- 11/23/21

Let’s roast the Lakers.

Golden State Warriors v Los Angeles Lakers Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

On Tuesday, the Los Angeles Lakers (9-9) will challenge the New York Knicks (9-8) at Madison Square Garden. You may have heard that LA is elderly. It’s true. The Lakers are so old, their team bus drove across two states with its blinker on.

Last weekend, the Lakers beat Detroit 121-116. In the game, LeBron James whacked Isaiah Stewart in the face and was lucky to escape alive.* Bron deserves a roasting for the cheap shot, so permit me a few jabs, won’t you?

Tip-off is at 7:30 PM, ya jokers.

WHAT’S LA BEEN UP TO?

In the off-season, the Lakers switched from Gatorade to Ensure. They traded Kyle Kuzma, Kentavious Caldwell-Pope, and Montrezl Harrell for Russell Westbrook. Brilliant! Thanks for making Washington competitive, jerks.

LA signed Talen Horton-Tucker, Kendrick Nunn, Malik Monk, Wayne Ellington, Trevor Ariza, Kent Bazemore, Rajon Rondo, Dwight Howard, DeAndre Jordan, Carmelo Anthony, and Austin Reaves.

Their roster has a combined age of 505 years. That’s more than twice as old as the Declaration of Independence. LeBron is trying to recruit some young blood, though. He’s begging Kareem to return for the playoffs. Maybe James Worthy, too.

In December, the Staples Center will be renamed Crypto.com. Weird. Given the age demographic of the players, I expected it to be rebranded The Depends Arena and Bingo Hall.

Seriously, these Lakers might be the first team to put a guy on injured reserve for “Needs a nap”.

PROJECTED STARTERS

As a Russell, I have an inherent distrust for all Russells. The self-loathing is strong…. Here’s 14-year vet Russell Westbrook being your typical Russ:

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? A: Yeah, I’ve heard that one.

Russ will face Kemba Walker, who has averaged 17.1 points, 4.8 assists and 3.3 rebounds in 16 games versus Westbrook. Good thing there will be crowd noise tonight, or the creaking of their joints would be ear-splitting.

There’s nothing funny to say about Bradley and Horton-Tucker. These poor men share a locker room that reeks of Bengay and Old Spice. They get a pass.

Mitchell Robinson is day-to-day (concussion protocol), so Nerlens Noel might start. Anthony Davis has averaged 28.4 points, 10.4 rebounds and 2.4 assists in 14 games against Noel. AD could torch him tonight. Never mind that. Doesn’t it seem like the longer Davis spends with LeBron, the older he gets? AD’s only 28 but looks 32, 33. He’ll be 40 by the end of the season. Does Just for Men work on eyebrows? As it turns out, the codger AD might be out tonight...or perhaps he’ll turn in an MJ Flu Game.

Looks like Taj Gibson (groin) will be out again for New York, too. LeBron is so old, he remembers when Taj was a rookie. Sadly, the memories are fleeting due to early dementia.

With King James suspended, journeyman Carmelo Anthony will start at PF. You’ll remember him from the Nuggets and Rockets. And here’s some bad news: Derrick Rose is questionable.

PREDICTION

Fun fact: Methuselah is a famous 4,853-year-old tree in California that LeBron planted.

The Knicks will win tonight, but don’t worry about that hurting LA’s feelings. Thanks to their advanced age, their losses don’t affect them for long…they forget most things after an hour or two.

NYC, 7:30 PM. Defeat those doddering codgers, Knickerbockers! And try to finish before their 9:30 bedtime.

* A friend of mine met Stewart outside of a classroom at the University of Washington. My friend complimented his play in a recent game, and the Husky responded graciously. An upstate New York product and a Patrick Ewing fan, Stewart tried his damnedest to catch Bron after that elbow. Henceforth, Isaiah owns a special place in my heart. I’ve circled the next Lakers / Pistons game—November 28. Can’t wait.