Here are three hot-click takeaways from your noble and severely undereducated scribe-about-town.
1) Solymar Slotkin orders the Creamy Tomato Soup and the Beet Salad with extra pickled red onions from Lemon Tree Company in Boise, Idaho. Solymar is impressed with the portion size and wishes he had anyone to share it with.
2) Mola Ram Migglewhite calls Taqueria Yungapeti and requests a Crystal Pepsi to go along with his order of two Campechano tacos, an Adobada burrito and a side of tator [sic] tots. Upon learning that the restaurant did not carry Crystal Pepsi, Mola Ram flies into a rage and accidentally impales his favorite canary, Kilometers Standish, with an Atari 2600 controller.
Mr. Ram, it seems, finds caramel coloring offensive due to his biblical relationship with a subcontinent exotic dancer whose name resembles the water-soluble food coloring in question.
Because of this slight, he decides to steal the restaurant's name for his hip-hop alter ego.
3) Artimus Coleslaw calls in an order of shrimp and grits from Billings, Montana's famous Five on Black because it sounds like a movie he really, really, really likes.
After finding out that it merely offers Brazilian street food, Artimus denounces private property, joins the communist party and takes a job at Pravda as a toaster oven reviewer.
One week after accepting his new position, he gives a scathing review on the Elekthermax toaster, because he does not like the fact the it dictates to him what type of bread he can toast. The editor, Boris Komotsky, calls his friend, Mikhail Belosouv, chief of the Directorate for Terrorism and Political Extremism Control at the Federal Security Service and tells him of the incident. Belosouv quickly arrests Artimus and whisks him away to a Gulag camp in Vorkuta where he currently artificially inseminates reindeer without any protective head-gear.
BONUS (for the editor)
The Knicks are decent. They beat the teams that they should. They lose to the teams that they should. Thibs helped to get them to this point. Onward and Upward (see 2013-2014 Golden State Warriors for a possible solution)!